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Bob Brown
Byrne Robotics Member
Joined: 25 June 2021
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 57
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| Posted: 13 July 2025 at 3:55pm | IP Logged | 1
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Hey Matt - I'm coming up on 57, officially divorced as of November, though we unofficially but definitely "uncoupled" many years ago, so pretty much all of the actual trauma of separation happened a long time ago for me, and the divorce was mostly just a legal formality, though not without some financial anxieties.Without knowing more about your circumstances, I would just echo what other people have already said - don't keep things bottled up inside; when you need to get stuff out, get it out - ideally to a friend who isn't going to judge you, but will just listen and be there for you. It seems like a lot because it is a lot, but you will get through this - just don't try to do it alone.
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James Woodcock
Byrne Robotics Member
Joined: 21 September 2007
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 8246
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| Posted: 13 July 2025 at 5:08pm | IP Logged | 2
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Sorry to hear this Matt.
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Greg Scarborough
Byrne Robotics Member
Joined: 15 October 2007
Location: United States
Posts: 153
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| Posted: 13 July 2025 at 5:17pm | IP Logged | 3
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I was married in my late 20's and divorced in my early
30's. A bankruptcy followed shortly thereafter. It was the
most life-changing experience of my adult life. None of my
failures, before or since have been as magnificently awful
as that one.
But it does get better. Especially if you aren't afraid
to take a look at it, and try to learn something from it,
and use the experience to grow as a person.
I'm sorry you're having to go through it.
Namaste
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Evan S. Kurtz
Byrne Robotics Member
Joined: 04 July 2022
Location: Canada
Posts: 120
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| Posted: 13 July 2025 at 9:06pm | IP Logged | 4
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I've always said that divorce is actually good news, because healthy marriages don't end in divorce, and we should all want and try to be as healthy and happy as we can be. The way I've heard it put before is that the three phases men tend to go through in divorce is "Sad, Mad, Glad" - and it'll take time and effort to get to the glad phase, but it's where you're headed.
If you can, perhaps therapy or a men's group would be helpful in getting you to the "glad," Matt. I know it's not easy. |
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Edward Aycock
Byrne Robotics Member
Joined: 13 July 2024
Location: United States
Posts: 63
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| Posted: 14 July 2025 at 11:00am | IP Logged | 5
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Matt, I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through this. I know it's got to be quite painful. All the best.
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Matt Reed
Byrne Robotics Security
Robotmod
Joined: 16 April 2004
Posts: 36381
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| Posted: 14 July 2025 at 11:30am | IP Logged | 6
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Thanks for all the responses. Not quite sure happy is the right word, but am glad at least that this is an amicable situation for both of us. There is no fighting, mean spiritedness, no jostling for money, property or possessions. It most certainly is sad and, for me especially, confusing as I try to work out exactly why she wants this. There is no “other” in the equation. Just us. To do that while also decoupling from a two-decade relationship is…difficult. I’ve largely moved past sleepless nights and obsession about navigating a scary future, but some of that still lingers. I’ve taken to ordering my days into “today” and “tomorrow” problems, which has helped keep me sane.
I’m a very lucky guy who has an incredible support network. I’ve got friends both here in LA and in Minnesota with whom I’ve made sure to keep close, some of them for over 4 decades, and am now leaning heavily on. They’ve gone out of their way to check in on me, to go out with me (some early on at a moment’s notice), and to generally show up when I need them most. I expect much of the emotional impact to come after we no longer live together, when I’ve done the physical work to set up the next chapter. It’s at that point where I will most definitely look into some of the suggestions made here; a divorce support group and/or individualized therapy to help work out the personal aspects. Just taking it all one day at a time.
Again, thanks to all that have replied. I appreciate your candor as well as your personal stories. They help make me not feel alone in all this.
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Dave Kopperman
Byrne Robotics Member
Joined: 27 December 2004
Location: United States
Posts: 3858
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| Posted: 14 July 2025 at 1:37pm | IP Logged | 7
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Sorry to hear it, Matt. As with others, I can relate. My wife and I have nearly split a couple of times - the first was ten years into our marriage, and the second was during the height of the lockdown. We've been able to reconcile both times and are celebrating our 25th this year. My big takeaway, I think, was not to ever take anything for granted, especially the people in my life (technically not 'anythings' but 'anyones'). It's confusing and messy and during the moment I constantly felt like I was falling.
It's good to know that you have a strong support system, as that's really really really important.
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Dave Kopperman
Byrne Robotics Member
Joined: 27 December 2004
Location: United States
Posts: 3858
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| Posted: 14 July 2025 at 5:11pm | IP Logged | 8
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I guess one bit of advice I can pass on from my dad - he and my mom got divorced in the early 70's, and I gather it was rocky enough at the time. It had long more than settled down to pleasant relations with all involved by the late 80's, but I remember my dad and stepmom going to see Danny DeVito's War of the Roses and my dad was HIGHLY unamused and grumpy for a couple of days after the viewing. So I'd say avoid anything that might be triggering for a long while afterward.
Edited by Dave Kopperman on 14 July 2025 at 5:11pm
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Ted Downum
Byrne Robotics Member
Joined: 21 April 2004
Location: United States
Posts: 2397
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| Posted: 14 July 2025 at 7:23pm | IP Logged | 9
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Matt, I have no advice for you, but I wish you the best. I'm happy to hear that your relationship with your wife is amicable so far. When my father died, more than thirty years after my parents divorced, he and my mother had never really worked things out with each other. Animosity left to fester that long gets very poisonous.
Anyway, hang in there.
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Matt Hawes
Byrne Robotics Member
Joined: 16 April 2004
Location: United States
Posts: 16617
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| Posted: 14 July 2025 at 8:09pm | IP Logged | 10
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Sorry you're going through this, Matt. I wish I could offer advice to you, but I've never been married. I hope the best for you, in any event.
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