Thanks, Ed.  I can speak about it with a little more detail here -- not locked into 420 spaces like facebook.  (Interesting number for them to pick, isn't it?)

The headmaster met me at work, literally parking his golf cart in the space next to my car as I pulled up, and told me to "hop in."  I made a mafia joke -- no laugh.  We drove around our 80-acre campus and chit-chatted. 

I told him how hurt I was that the school didn't legally recognize my marriage, that hiding behind a discriminatory law was both civilly and morally unjust, and how I wouldn't work for an institution that labeled itself "progressive" but denied their employees equal access to benefits. 

He told me that the consortium of schools to which we belong DOES recognize domestic partners (SIDE NOTE: notice how I haven't said same-sex marriage, yet) so it was a question of our school board deciding to follow those guidelines.  He emphatically stated that he would see to it that the board WOULD support domestic partners and that my husband [he said "my partner"] would get insured.  Then he added that even if the board DIDN'T vote to support the consortium's guidelines, he'd pay for Eric's insurance himself.

Now, that was a cool thing to say, I confess, and it made me feel a lot better.  I thanked him, but told him that if the board DIDN'T recognize domestic partners, I would walk that very next day.  I've given ten years of my life to that school, I told him.  I've made contributions to the community that will live long after I'm gone and I will not suffer the indignity of discrimination.

He then told me to keep a level head over the coming days as this all works itself out.  He said, "What I've heard from more than one person yesterday was that there was this undercurrent of seething anger about you."

I said, "Well, Greg, imagine that someone told you that, because you were married in New York State -- [where he's from] -- your marriage wasn't recognized here in Maryland and you were denied the benefits that were given to all your co-workers.  Wouldn't that make you angry?"

"Yeah, well Tom, you have to understand that you intimidate people."

And I said, "Well... good."

I mean, here's the thing.  You know what stops the bully?  You know what allows you to have dignity and pride?  Inner strength -- the knowledge that you're doing the right thing.

We can't all fight the big battles.  But we can all fight the small ones, the battles of humiliation and indignity.  And maybe all those small battles will add up to something.

Intimidation is a key tool is getting a bully to back down.

It's infuriating when hearing people talk about how much they support equal rights, but yet want to deny them to those they don't deem equal.

He said, "What I've heard from more than one person yesterday was that there was this undercurrent of seething anger about you."

****

I feel ill from this. I would try not to respond spontaneously to their anger with my own, as the headmaster suggested, but -- this is just disgusting, and of course you'll follow your conscience. I hope all works out in your favor, Tom.

I think it's great that you're standing up for yourself in what's obviously an unfair situation. Reading your story, though, something came to mind. Don't let your anger become the story, or issue. Don't let it be used as a distraction to get you in trouble. Obviously people have been talking about you, and that's what they've been saying. Your headmaster said as much.

My advice is to stand up for yourself, and try to keep your cool as much as possible. I know from work situations I've been in where I've let my anger show too much, it's always worked against me. Not that I've faced anything similar to what you are, but just the same, if it turns into the issue, it obscures the bigger issue.

Edited by Mark McKay on 24 November 2009 at 10:11am