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Donald Miller
Byrne Robotics Member
Joined: 03 February 2005
Location: United States
Posts: 3597
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| Posted: 11 March 2009 at 1:18pm | IP Logged | 1
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Al said:
I'm guessing there's a lot of things that a relationship would not be able to
weather. Infidelity; personality change/revealation (not-who-I-thought-
you-were syndrome); diametrically opposed viewpoints on any one of a
plethora of major issues from politics to having children; abuse; addiction...
The list goes on.
I think I'm imagining a couple further along in their relationship than you may be as most of those diametrically opposed viewpoints (children/religion/politics, etc.) would be sussed out during the dating (vetting) process. I think a mistake many of today's couples make is leaping into a relationship with someone they barely know.
You do raise some good questions I will try to imagine for myself:
Infidelity, well after the blow-up we would have to look very closely as a couple at what was it that caused the infidelity in the first place...It is rarely as simple as just wanting to get your toes curled. There is usually something deeper that leads one or the other person to stray.
My wife claims that to give the other person a divorce after cheating is letting them off easy. She would want to make sure to be able to torture me for the rest of our days. Either way ultimately not a deal breaker for me.
Personality change:
Have to imagine a scenario for this one...I will go with chemical imbalance...We have both had our bouts with depression and seeking out help including Rx for a time. we worked through and are better for it.
Personality Change II: This ones a little harder, what if she were to come out as a lesbian and then want to pursue that life. I can only hope that after the shock wore off that we could still be friends. I would like to think that even if the romance portion of our lives may be gone, we could still be friends.
Addiction: This is one I would deal with as long a I could. Ultimately though if it were still a problem after all avenues have been pursued, I would have to call it quits and hope that I could help her without hurting the rest of my family.
Abuse: plain and simple will not be tolerated, I am hardliner on this one so yeah that's a deal breaker.
Thanks for this line of questioning Al, I've had to put some thought into it.
Don
Edited by Donald Miller on 11 March 2009 at 1:19pm
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Tiago Tavares
Byrne Robotics Member
Joined: 22 November 2006
Location: Portugal
Posts: 125
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| Posted: 11 March 2009 at 1:25pm | IP Logged | 2
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You're such a perv, little brother. ;)
Here's a big hug from me.
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Al Cook
Byrne Robotics Member
Joined: 21 December 2004
Posts: 12734
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| Posted: 11 March 2009 at 1:28pm | IP Logged | 3
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And I really appreciate the thought you've put in, Don.
I agree with you 100% on the abuse issue right off - I'm curious though if
your hard line varies depending on the kind of abuse.
Physical?
Mental?
Emotional?
Sexual?
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Pedro Tavares
Byrne Robotics Member
Joined: 11 May 2004
Location: Portugal
Posts: 669
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| Posted: 11 March 2009 at 1:30pm | IP Logged | 4
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carlos is picking brigite up from the vet as i type. lol he says there's an aquarium at the vet and there are two fish there with their belly up... :/
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Al Cook
Byrne Robotics Member
Joined: 21 December 2004
Posts: 12734
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| Posted: 11 March 2009 at 1:37pm | IP Logged | 5
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Geoff, quoting Jodi wrote:
it sucks when I come late
Better than not coming at all. As we discussed on the previous
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Reminds me of the eternal question:
What if they had a sexual revolution, and nobody came?
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Pedro Tavares
Byrne Robotics Member
Joined: 11 May 2004
Location: Portugal
Posts: 669
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| Posted: 11 March 2009 at 1:42pm | IP Logged | 6
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if you go tantric you're halfway there
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Donald Miller
Byrne Robotics Member
Joined: 03 February 2005
Location: United States
Posts: 3597
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| Posted: 11 March 2009 at 1:46pm | IP Logged | 7
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Abuse is abuse, and once it's recognized as such, cannot be tolerated. The trick is, of course recognizing it. I was so miserable at my last job, that I actually started to believe that I was just a bad employee. It wasn't until I left and looked back that I saw just how sick the relationship was.
Physical and sexual abuse are comparatively easy to identify. Mental and Emotional are often more subtle.
But once identified it needs to stop.
Don
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Pedro Tavares
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Location: Portugal
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| Posted: 11 March 2009 at 1:50pm | IP Logged | 8
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yeap! its amazing the "little" things we sometimes put up with that could be considered abuse and we just dont notice until some time has passed.
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Tiago Tavares
Byrne Robotics Member
Joined: 22 November 2006
Location: Portugal
Posts: 125
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| Posted: 11 March 2009 at 1:53pm | IP Logged | 9
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((lifts hand))
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Joakim Jahlmar
Byrne Robotics Member
Joined: 10 October 2005
Location: Sweden
Posts: 6080
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| Posted: 11 March 2009 at 5:57pm | IP Logged | 10
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Okay, catching up a bit, so pardon the moves back and forth between the funny and the serious... but heck, that's life innit?
Jodi wrote:
”It's so funny, sometimes I think men and women need to have classes explaining what turns the other sex on, being gay just makes sense sometimes because if you date a man and you are a man you know what turns your partner on, for the most part.”
Well, at least you would have the same moving parts, so to speak. I mean, I strongly do believe that there are individual differences in preferences that must not be forgotten (e.g. apropos of women’s preferences, I’ve met women who definitely needed the intercourse bit in combination with the motion of the ocean bit... i.e. no amount of time spent stimulating what is often (in better educated circles) thought to be THE spot to get a woman to climax would get them to that point unless in combination with some more... penetrating action. And vice versa!). But that said, I will never really be able to imagine how it would feel to have someone inside me, without going into... different areas, which is not really comparable (especially as those areas are actual options for women as well, and clearly not the same as other areas... so to speak).
More Jodi:
”Women are emotionally driven.”
Mostly. Just to avoid a too large an umbrella generalisation.
Tom wrote:
”Man... I turn my back for one minute and look what we're talking about: carpet munching!”
Was that what we were discussing? And here I thought it was the finer points of seafood cuisine.
Al wrote:
”Does anyone believe that there is such a thing as a difference fundamental enough it cannot be overcome in a relationship?”
I do believe there are such differences, but they’d have to be specific to every couple. At the end of the day, at a generalised level, I think it does come down to ”differences” which cannot ever reach a compromise (a constructive or ”destructive” one). In such cases, if the difference is something which neither party can give up and remain true to themselves and no compromise can be reached, it may well be time to go different ways, for the sake of everyone involved (and I have sort of been there, so I sort of know what I’m talking about).
One of the easiest examples to illustrate this dilemma would actually be the question of kids. If one party is 100% pro getting kids and the other party is 100% against getting kids, that a fairly fundamental obstacle, and one which I would say cannot be compromised away. Either one party decide that his/her 100% isn’t really a 100% have to have or never to have issue or there’s a deadlock. I mean, if there’s a dispute as to how MANY kids a couple want, that’s still quantifiable and open for some compromising, but there’s just no way of almost having kids, or almost not having kids. Either you have them or you don’t. And whichever side anyone would land on, it’d better include both parties in the relationship.
In my very humble opinion.
Don wrote:
“Infidelity, well after the blow-up we would have to look very closely as a couple at what was it that caused the infidelity in the first place...It is rarely as simple as just wanting to get your toes curled. There is usually something deeper that leads one or the other person to stray.
My wife claims that to give the other person a divorce after cheating is letting them off easy. She would want to make sure to be able to torture me for the rest of our days. Either way ultimately not a deal breaker for me.”
I think that particular item is very, VERY much depending on the people involved. And from what I’ve seen, it’s not something that can be deduced in advance. I’ve heard of people who in theory argue that any infidelity, that breach of trust, and they would walk off, and then when something has actually happened it turns out some of these people are the ones to stick around and at least try mending things (some at least succeeding), whereas some people who in theory didn’t perceive the problem suddenly have opposite reactions once the reality of such a situation occurs in their own life.
Al wrote:
“What if they had a sexual revolution, and nobody came?”
Spin the wheel one more time... one more revolution might just do the trick.
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Steve D Swanson
Byrne Robotics Member
Joined: 04 May 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 1374
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| Posted: 11 March 2009 at 6:23pm | IP Logged | 11
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On infidelity I came to a startling conclusion early on in my relationship with Danielle: She'd forgive me. I'd have to apologize, bring flowers, grovel, all that stuff but I knew she would end up forgiving me. Which meant I could cheat on her and get away with it and somehow that would make it completely unforgivable to me. It would be as if I would be opening up her heart and pouring salt on it, while also knowing the act had no real consequences beyond words for me.
Almost like kicking a parapeligic, they can't fight back and that makes it a magnitude of worse.
As to size, (and this is probably TMI but here goes) I'm oversized at play (in proportion to my body size, 6'2, with a large frame) but at rest I'm undersized. To my mind play is what matters so I never cared about it but some seem to measure when it's... useless for the task for which it is best suited. Never understood that.
Danielle and I are very different people and we've had some challenges but we've basically got them sorted out now but every once in a while they pop up again. For example she doesn't like that when I'm writing I'm shut off from the world, listening to music so I can't hear anything and completely zoned out. So she comes in and interrupts me and I nearly jump out of my skin. There's a sabertooth tiger hurtling at our hero's head when suddenly... Danielle taps me on the shoulder and I almost have a heart attack.
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Kevin Hagerman
Byrne Robotics Member
Joined: 15 April 2005
Location: United States
Posts: 18350
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| Posted: 11 March 2009 at 7:23pm | IP Logged | 12
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Where do you think the Rihanna - Chris Brown situation will be a year from now?
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Topic Closed)
